Festive Cullen stories!
by xdrop-of-golden-sunx
Summary: A series of little random holiday stories. A little bit insane, now expanded to other chapters of randomness!
1. Easter

Happy Easter from the Cullen's!

What would the Cullen's do on a sunny day near Easter with a lot if Easter eggs and Vampire-proof iron?

Edward, Rosalie and Jasper were out hunting and Bella Swan was making her way to the Cullen house.

Bella: Alice? Emmett?

Alice and Emmett appear with Esme's cooking equipment in a ninja-like fashion.

Emmett: AAAARAAHH!

Bella: What the hell!?

Alice: Oh, it's you Bella!

They were wearing matching yellow shirts with 'Project Fortress' printed on them.

Emmett: We made one for you Bella!

The big guy shoves Bella a short that is like theirs except hers had 'Captive of Alice and Emmett'

Alice: So basically Jasper, Rose and Edward have really annoyed us because they kept me from going to the next Gucci sale and stopped Emmett from eating an Easter egg then throwing it up and we are going to get at them by holding you prisoner, giving off really depressing waves of emotion, then stealing Rosalie's convertible. So we built a fortress that is Vampire-proof iron. Now come behind the lovely floral curtain and we will magically disappear to the fortress!

Alice cackles madly and drags Bella behind the curtain and they wait for while.

Alice: Emmett?

Emmett: yeah?

Alice: This is the part where you carry us to the fort.

Emmett: Oh right!

Emmett proceeds to sling both of them on his back and carries them to a metal-covered door and walls.

The door bangs and the trio arrive home.

-At the door-

Edward: -calling up the stairs- I know you have Bella captive; let her go!

Jasper: I want to wallow in my self-pity...

Rosalie: Why are you trying to cut yourself with kitchen knives?

Jasper: Alice...The family...the confederates...save me form this pain...

Edward & Rosalie: Ok...

-Up at the fort-

Emmett: This is pure genius!

Alice: I feel sorry for Jasper though...

Bella: Get 'cha head in the game Alice!!!!

Emmett & Alice:...?

-Crickets chirp in the back ground-

Bella: What!?

-Down from the fort-

Jasper: I wonder what they are doing up there...

Rosalie: Possibly plotting world domination?

Edward: Alice did try to kidnap President Barak Obama a few weeks ago...

-Flashback-

Alice swivel's round dramatically in a chair.

Alice: At last; we meet again!

Obama: Who are you?

Alice: I am here to kidnap you, then blindfold you; is that OK?

Obama: Not at all. –Smiles-

Alice: PERVERT!!! AAAARRAAAAHH!!! –Runs out of the white house-

-End of flashback-

Rosalie: happy times...

-The fort-

Emmett: What should we do now?

Alice: We need to steal Rosalie's convertible!

Bella: How?

Alice: You will go down stairs crying, saying how you escaped our evil clutches and they will be so distracted that they won't notice until it is too late!

Emmett: That is a MASTERPLAN!!!

Bella: Shall I go now?

Alice: Yes! –Pushes out-

Bella (Crying): Help me!

Edward: I will save you my love!

Bella: It...Was...Horrible...

Rosalie: You're safe now. (Doesn't really know how to comfort the human)

Emmett and Alice suddenly appear out of thin air, driving the convertible.

Emmett: Take that! –Throws chocolate eggs at the bewildered trio-

Alice: and that! –Throws Edwards CD's at them-

Rosalie: My baby!

Edward: My CD's!

Jasper: WTF?

Bella runs and gets in the car, then they drive off into the sunset with back round music playing...

Alice, Emmett & Bella: HAPPY EASTER!!!


	2. Mayday

Mayday at the Cullen's!

Bella sleepily gets up and finds Emmett standing outside her window.

Bella: Emmett, what are you doing here?

Emmett: Bella, you are coming round to our house to dance round the maypole then play with the fluffy bunnies. Hurry up and slide down the rainbow!

Bella: What rainbow?

Emmett: The one coming down from your window; the ones with your father; Charlie the unicorn, is dancing on!

Bella: Ah. OK. I see now.

Bella slides down the rainbow and Emmett brings her to the Cullen house.

Alice: (Throws outfit at Bella) Bella, you have to wear this!

Bella: (Looks at outfit) OK.

She puts the outfit on. She is dressed as a pixie, like Alice.

Bella: Are you sure Edward will like this?

Alice: Yes. Now we are going to come with me and paint England red!

Bella: OK.

Alice and Bella run off to paint England red.

Emmett: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!

Jasper: (Who is just suddenly _there)_ WTF?

Emmett: I'm a little teapot short and stout, here's my handle here's my spout.

-Crickets chirp-

Edward: Where is Bella?

Jasper: She is just off to paint England red.

Edward: Oh, OK.

Emmett: Baa baa black sheep, have you-

Edward: Shut up Emmett!

Rosalie appears in a dramatic burst of smoke and is dressed like a genie.

Rosalie: You're wishing is my command...

Jasper: Go away.

Rosalie: (Grumbles) fine...

She disappears. Then Alice and Bella skip merrily up to the others, holding hands and clutching buckets of red paint.

Alice: (Giggles) we painted England red!

Bella: Let's dance round the maypole!

All the Cullen's start skipping around the pole, weaving the ribbon in a complicated pattern.

Jasper: You're doing it wrong.

Rosalie: Nu uh! It's you!

Alice: (Who is winding herself up in the remaining ribbon) Wheeee!

Bella: May I join you Alice?

Alice: Wheeee!

Bella: Ok.

Bella proceeds to knock herself out on the pole.

Carlisle steps in dramatically.

Carlisle: I AM WANTED!

He mends Bella.

Emmett: LOOK, A FLUFFY BUNNY!!!

The Cullen's rush over to find they are not bunnies but Jacob.

Bella: Since when do you phase into a bunny?

Jacob: (Shrugs) Always.

He turns into a bunny and hops away.

Esme: (Calling from the house) the cookies are ready!

Everyone runs over to watch Bella eat cookies.

Rosalie appears in smoke. Again.

Rosalie: You're wishing is-

Emmett: my command, we know.

Rosalie: (Gives death glare) I will come and paint your nails pink if you don't be quiet.

Emmett: Nooooooooo!

He runs off to England which is painted red.

Emmett: (Scratches head) Why is it red?

Random Person in the street: I will bring you to your doom...

Emmett: I'm gonna go now...


	3. Halloween

Halloween at the Cullen's

All the Cullen's are gathered outside on the lawn the day before Halloween, talking about the next day.

Emmett: Rosie?

Rosalie: Don't call me Rosie, but what is it?

Emmett: if we are vampires, can we go as vampire at Halloween?

Rosalie: No.

Emmett: Why not?

Rosalie: Because it's stupid!

Edward: It is Emmett.

Emmett: It is not! It is a sensible suggestion!

Jacob: It isn't.

Rosalie: WTF? Where did you come from?

Jacob: I climbed down the ladder of moonlight; duh.

Rosalie: What ladder of moonlight?

Jacob: The one over by the rainbow, where Charlie is dancing.

Rosalie: Oh. I see.

Alice: Wheee!

Bella: Shall we go and paint the North Pole blue?

Alice: Yesssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Alice and Bella leave to go to the North Pole-

Jasper: Where did Jacob go?

Edward: I ate him.

Emmett: NOOOO! Poor Jakey-Wakey

Jasper: You LIKE him?

Emmett: My only love...

Edward: Well too bad; I ate him already.

Rosalie: This is really weird.

Jasper: Really...

Emmett: NOOO! How could you eat my Jake!?

-Silence-

Edward:...?

Rosalie:...?

Jasper:...?

-Alice and Bella come back-

Alice: I AM VICTORIUS!!

Bella: NOOOOOOO!!!!

Alice: HAHAHAHA! NOW I AM OFF TO EAT SKITTLES!!!

Edward: MUST EVERYTHING BE IN CAPS?

Bella: I guess not...

**I know it's a short chapter, but I have been skiing and I freaking tired!**

**Did you like it?**

**Val x**


	4. Christmas

**Christmas at the Cullen's**

Every single one of the Cullen's are gathered round a pine tree Alice had decided they want as a Christmas tree.

Alice: Will someone help me cut it down?

Emmett: I would, but what if the tree was in pain when we cut it? Would that make it an emo tree?

Rosalie: -Sigh- I just got a manicure.

Alice: Bella?

Bella: I would but I don't want to.

Edward: I do everything Bella does without question.

Alice: Bella, what did you do to Edward?

Bella: -smirks- I hypnotised him with my Vampy powers.

Alice: But vampires can't hypnotise people. –Snaps fingers in front of his face-

Edward: huh?

Bella: damn...

Jasper: I agree with Emmett.

Everyone except Emmett & Jasper: -gasp- Huh?

Jasper: If the tree is emo, then it must be protected.

Alice: This is ridiculous! Carlisle, will you help me?

Carlisle: no. because it the tree bleeds when we cut it down, I will have to operate and it's a Saturday.

Alice: What about you Esme?

Esme: I like that tree.

Alice: Will anyone help me?

Everyone except Alice: NO!!

Alice: -sigh- fine...

Jasper: Here, have some skittles, -slides skittles towards Alice-

Alice: OK- wait, are you trying to get me high on skittles?

Jasper: No?

Alice: I WANNA GET HYPER!!!

Alice eats all the skittles.

Edward digs a hole.

Bella: Edward, what are you doing?

Edward: I am digging to Australia to escape Alice.

Bella: Oh, OK.

Rosalie: Emmett, you are being quiet, what are you up to?

Emmett: nothing...

Rosalie grabs something behind Emmett's back.

Rosalie: This is a plan of the bank of England.

Emmett: I know.


	5. Bank Holiday

**Bank Holiday at the Cullen's!**

Alice and Emmett are sitting in the living room, discussing what to on bank holiday.

Alice: -sigh- That time of the year is now upon us...

Emmett: BELLA'S PMS!!!! LET'S CELEBRATE BELLA PMS-ING!!!

Alice: No, you idiot; bank holiday

Emmett: Woot, woot!

Alice: Now, what to do...

Emmett: Let's kidnap the president again!!!

Alice: NO! I already tried, and remember when _you _tried?

_-Flashback-_

_Emmett: OBAMA!!!!_

_Obama: Er, yes?_

_Emmett: I want to suck your blood._

_Obama: Are you with that stunningly beautiful, pixie-like vampire that tried to kidnap me a few days earlier?_

_Emmett: Um, no._

_Obama: I'll let you into a secret; I'm gay!_

_Emmett: AAARAAAHH! PERVERT!_

_-End of flashback-_

Emmett: I vaguely remember...

Alice: Well, _I _am going to go to Alaska, see you later!

Alice hops in her Porsche and drives off.

Emmett: Hmmm... What to do now.

The doorbell rings.

Jasper opens the door.

Jasper: I...am...very...pleased...to...eat...you...

Random Postman at the door: You mean 'meet' me?

Jasper: That's what I said.

Random Postman: oh, whatever, anyway here is a package for Ms. R. Hale?

Jasper: That's me!

Random Postman: Er, are you sure?

Jasper: I, um, I'm a TRANSGENDER!!!

Random Postman: OMG, really!? Me too!!

Jasper: right...

Random Postman: I want you...

Jasper: huh?

Random Postman: I said here is the stripper's pole you ordered.

Jasper: Er, thanks.

Random Postman: -winks- I'll go now...

He shuts the door and looks out the window.

Jasper: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A HIGH SPEED BANANA!!!!

Emmett: Isn't that Alice in her Porsche?

Jasper: That's what I said.


	6. an insane day

**Random day.**

Jasper: I m gonna sit in my emo corner and cry...

Alice: -sigh- Jazz is having an emo moment.

Edward: He has disturbing thoughts...

(Outside)

Emmett: (falls in hole) ARH! Whose hole is this!? I will make them PAY!!!!

(Inside)

Edward: erm, I am going to run away now...

Rosalie: Talk to me!

Edward: um, what?

Rosalie: I HATE YOU! WHY DON T YOU JUST-

Edward: -gasp- Emmett just... thought!!!

Rosalie: OMG! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

Edward: -smirks- no, his mind is as blank as ever.

Rosalie: OMG! STOP BEING MEAN TO MY HUSBAND!!!

Bella: But you have to admit, he isn t a man of many thoughts, is he, remember that time when he decided to start a detective agency?

-Flashback-

Emmett: Whooo! I am starting the no. 1 ladies detective agency!

Random dude on the street: OMG, can you find out if my girlfriend is cheating on me?

Emmett: NO! HOW DARE YOU DISS MY AWESOME EMMETT-NESS! I AM INSULTED THAT YOU WOULD-

-Edward interrupts flashback-

Edward: Then he went to shoot random crocodiles at the beech and scared everyone.

Bella:(crossly) You interrupted my flashback! How very dare you!

(Outside)

Emmett:(Still in hole) Let me out of this magical contraption!

(Inside)

Alice: -vision- Emmett is stuck in Edwards hole! Hehe.

Jasper:(In his emo corner) Its a small world...

(Outside)

Emmett:(With super vamp hearing) -Gasp- It is Edward's hole! He must pay!

-Magically jumps out of hole-

(Inside)

Rosalie: and remember when he pretended to be the black eyed peas?

-Flashback-

Emmett: Gotta get that boom boom boom....

Bella: I got that boom boom pow, they-

-Edward interrupts flashback. Again.-

Edward: Yes, Bella started-

Rosalie: HOW VERY DARE YOU INTERRUPT OUR FLASHBACKS!

Emmett: Yes! I have a plan! -Grabs staple gun and Edwards shoe-

Everyone except Emmett: -Gasp-

Edward: Uh oh...

Emmett: Uh oh is right sunshine!

Jasper: WE'RE SOARING, FLYING! THERES NOT A STAR IN HEAVAN THAT WE CAN'T REACH! WE'RE BREAKING FREE-

(Alice puts hand over his mouth)

Alice: Sorry, carry on.

Emmett: I have stapled all Edwards shoes to the wall! Observe...

(Emmett pulls down a red curtain to reveal a wall of stapled shoes.)

Dr. Cox:(Whose is just suddenly there)Well that is a pickle, Susan.

Carlisle:(Who is also is just there) -Gasp- YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Cox: Now just hang on there, Lillian.

Rosalie: Lillian...That's my middle name...

Dr. Cox: What?  
Alice: Where's Jordan?

Jordan: Perry!

Dr. Cox: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SHE HAS FOUND ME!!

Jordan: Here's the dealio Per, you are going to come with me and forget all about your little playmates and come back to work at the hospital... Carla keeps trying to make me take part in saving someone's life... and I didn't want to!!!

Carlisle: TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU PERRY!

Dr. Cox and Jordan: no! We have a son, We don't need another one!!

Dr. Cox: Do not talk at the same time as me! Now that I am the chief of medicine I can do what ever the hell I want. Sooooooooooo... Cathy..?

Edward, Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle: Huh?

Dr. Cox: Anyhoo, We're going to leave and go back to normal world now, We're going to leave all you boys and girls alone-

Alice: All the boys and the girls -Pixie Lott dance-

Dr. Cox glares. Alice carries on dancing but stops singing.

Dr. Cox: So in the words of my annoying resident, J.D.... I'm going to snizzle on your nizzle then dizzle that crizzle... Then I'll leave.

-Dr. Cox and Jordan depart-

**Also, just to clear things up, the hole was from the christmas chapter, (If you don't remember it, go read it :P) **

**Hehe... that was for all the scrubs fans out there!!! I am now continuing this story, as part of therapy.  
I would love to hear any ideas that you have as well, as I am running out of holiday's!!!**

**xDrop-of-golden-sunx**


	7. PLEASE READ

I'm gonna post this on all my fic's.

first off I have to apologise, I haven't updated anything in MONTHS. I have no exscuses. I've just been lazy.

But lets be honest, none of my fic's have been very successful and maybe the reason for that is, perhaps, I'm just not good enough to be a writer yet.

I've enjoyed writing here, but now it's becoming a chore to update and write, I'll probably never stop reading fanfic's but my writing doesn't deserve to be on here, there are better, bigger authors that update every week and enjoy doing it.

So, in a few weeks I will be pulling my fic's off my account, if anyone want's to continue any of my fic's PM me, anytime.

Thank you to all the people that bothered to review and whom I have talked to, I'm grateful.

My account will still be up, so people can still PM, and I will still beta some fic's.

Thank you for the wonderful experience.

- Valerie Claire.


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